Journal

February 8th, 2009 Make someone else's day and God will make yours.
Last night we, Mike Daily, Ron Llinas, Jimmy Culler and I, played in Bellingham upstairs in the Extreme Sports Bar. Mike played bongos and convinced himself that hand drumming isn't for him as it is boring after a while. He did a great job though and it would have been an empty sound without the energy those bongos added. He said he understands better why John Matthews likes to bring so many percussion instruments to a gig. Ronnie played great lead guitar. Jimmy, on bass, was his usual fine musician self. We had some great harmony moments that really made me smile.
The event was a benefit for a seriously injured hang glider. There was a nice group of very supportive people there and I believe a few thousand dollars were received via donations and a silent auction. The Extreme Sports Bar is a cool venue with good selection of food including stone oven baked very delicious thin crusted pizza, Hamburgers and what looked like wonderful French fries. They also have a full bar and large selection micro brews. We played upstairs in a room that had a pool table in the center and bar stools lining a high counter. Behind us on the wall was a big screen where hang gliding footage played while we performed. One person joked that we were raising money to buy a new hang glider for the person who crashed. He followed that by saying that anyone who doesn't understand that doesn't understand the sport.
Mike Daily was explaining to me how to deploy your parachute if you are crashing.
"You rip it out of the Velcro and through it out to the side to open it."
"Isn't that kind of hard when you are plummeting towards the ground?" I asked.
"You get motivated." He responded. "You open it or you die."
Well there you go. Andie, Liz and I went tandem hang gliding once. They loved it. I survived.
I love the view but can't seem to get beyond the fact that I am Velcroed in a sack hanging from a sophisticated kite by strings.

Happy to be on the ground.

Ready to go again.

Andie in her typically fearless manner loved it thoroughly and completely. Last night it was fun to watch all that footage of flying but hard at the same time. You almost get motion sickness because the image moves around so much with the buffeting of the wind.
I spoke to Chani at the end of the gig and she said she and Steve are destined to walk different roads. It is very painful for them both I believe. My heart and love are with both of them. Broken hearts are a heavy burden. She had friends coming over to see her and keep her company. Thank God for Chaos. She loves her puppy. What a lovely spirited dog. I tell Chaos grand pa is here to see you when I go visit each week. She wants to head straight to the back yard to play soccer just like Chani liked to do. Chani and Steve are both very talented and powerful souls. Chani would have nothing less in her life. The world just moves on and on. The people that get the most from life are the people who can loose their grip and flow with the tide to the limitless possibilities. Abandon learned helplessness and you can do anything. I get to see the wonder of that fact in my family every day. I may even learn the truth of it somehow. I am so grateful to be so blessed.

Beautiful Anjali. She will be heading off to Maui soon with Freedom, Natalie and Sebastian for another music festival.
The adventure continues.

February 7th, 2009    If you hate doing something, stop doing it. Chani
  Sputtering muttering laptop is limping on it's last leg. I haven't felt up to posting anything for a while. Andie and I had a nice time on her birthday and the Wii Fit she got will either get me in shape or kill me off so she can find a young replacement. I was just really noticing yesterday that she grows more beautiful with each passing year. I can't imagine my life without her. I think your inner character shows more and more on your face as you get older. While Andrea is looking more like a lovely Lilly I am becoming more and more like a crab apple. What is up with that?
  It is a quiet Saturday morning as I type this. So far Lucy Lieu ( our dove ) is mercifully still sleeping. In these twilight years I have become a ridiculously early morning person so, rather than wiggle Andie awake, I headed for the studio to see if I could bang out a few words.
  I am playing up in Bellingham this afternoon for another fund raiser, this time for an injured hang glider who is a friend of Jimmy Culler. Jimmy has a ton of friends. Ronnie Llinas is tagging along and so is Mike Daily. Mike is still recovering from shoulder replacement surgery so he is coming for sound system , vocal and moral support. I hope we have a good time and make some good music and raise a lot of money.

  Andie and I have been discussing the need to let some emotions go. We had both been hurt by someone we attempted to befriend. I am having a hard time and want to rehash the whole scenario that lead to these feelings, get it clear and then let it go. I think sometimes things happen between people that require a complete severance of ties in this life. That seems unfortunate when the relationship involves children no matter what their age. Andie says although you can't have a relationship with someone you can't trust, you still need to let go of the bad feelings, be cordial and just say hello and good-bye at gatherings. I feel so un-evolved because that is difficult to picture in the foreseeable future. I just get that "she's breathing my air" feeling. So it isn't even rational. Anger is like that though.

I was talking to Chani about this same issue and she said "I am friends with everyone I have ever loved. They love me."
I said "You have done a lot better than me."
Then she added "We are all grown up now Papa. There is no reason to have a relationship with someone who hates you." She was referring to the K-meister.
Chani is right of course. As Rod Serling would have said, picture if you will, someone who would stir you up by telling you of her grave concerns about your grown child, grandchild or whatever, beg you to intervene, and then swear you to secrecy regarding the reason for your concern. So you do keep the source a secret. You do attempt to intervene. Then she deliberately attempts to sabotage your relationship by denying any knowledge or involvement. Perhaps this is not someone you would want to ever be around again, much less befriend. Still, that is only one perspective and it is time to let it go. After all, this is the Twilight Zone. Or is it?

Chani, in her wisdom, also pointed out that I might be wrong in my perception.
"Maybe the concern, real or imagined, was genuine but the person lacked the courage to express that concern so she called on you and then bailed."
"That left me looking a bit like an idiot." I said, reflecting a perhaps not so noble source of anger on my part. The pain and anger and sense of betrayal have remained. Today I realized that peeling back the layers to the source of my feelings that the difficulty I have forgiving this person starts with the difficulty I having forgiving myself. Strange how the mind works sometimes. As I peel this onion it seems to get lighter and more absurd. I have spent 3 hours writing and rewriting this journal and with each pass the healing continues. The anger subsides. Inability was replaced by difficulty. Each word replaced added hope to healing. Hopelessness gives way to possibility.

  I have only held animosity on this scale towards one or two people in my life, other than myself. Each time I got over it. I need to let it go as I have always done before now. I know at some point I need to ask the question how could I have avoided all this? What was my part? Andie knows. She said "If you are going to do this thing, say where you got your information and why you are acting. Keeping a secret is wrong and will only back fire on you. " My brilliant wife knows many things. .I think there is so much grief tied into these few years since the passing of Cheyanna that I have just been slow to heal. I am slow to forgive myself for feeling like I failed that little soul however irrational that may be. Andie said "Love yourself so others can. It was how it was meant to be." The world moved on. If you keep looking back or into the future you miss the present which is where the wonder of life and love take place.

So big balloon hook me up and carry these kateful feelings away into a beautiful sunset and God shed blessings to everyone on earth.
Everyone. No exceptions.

I spoke on the phone to Josh and he sounds great. It is his and Christina's birthday coming up on the 11th. Wish we could be down in California to see them. I miss his sense of humor. I was cleaning house in the studio and I came across three CD's of his guitar loops. They contain such an amazing variety of music that I put them on my iPod so I can listen to them whenever I want. I am so glad he has Christina and Sariah. They are a lovely family.
I got another picture of Anjali from Freedom's iPhone. She is a strong and beautiful little spirit. Freedom's love shines in his eyes when he looks at her in the pictures he sends. I miss them, Freedom, Natalie, Sebastian and Anjali. I wish I could see them in person or even talk on the phone.

Look at what little space I gave to some of the most important people in my life. Just opening up the vent and letting the stanky stuff out. Yea. The little soul I trapped myself in time with has long moved on to brighter and better places. Meantime, Anjali, this new little wonder has arrived to love, rule and conquer our hearts. Aren't we blessed.

February 4th, 2009 It's Andie's birthday and soon Josh's birthday and Christina's birthday all in just a few days. What a month and what a winter we have had. I am so happy for have my family and to have my best friend also be my wife. I am a lucky man! Happy birthday beautiful bride.

I am mixing and editing a live performance by my friend Casey Garland and his group of fine musicians.

I had a great day with Kayden yesterday. It was just fun papa and Kayden time. We wasted the house. I had to call a time out for clean up at one point because there were toys every where. He was just dumping bins of toys to claim all the floor space he could. I told him it was starting to stress me a little bit. He didn't see the problem. We had trains on the dining room table, under the table, Play Doe on the train tracks, bowls of crackers in the vocal booth, a Buzz Light-year train set in the middle of the living room, bees and bugs from several different movies, some patch chords thrown in for good measure and several favorite books scattered about the floor which we had to stop in the middle of the play session to read. He made up several songs over the course of the day and insisted that I sing along which I gladly did. I made up several songs too and he chimed right in with me.
He just did not want to go outside so I turned of the heaters and opened up the doors and windows to let some fresh air in to the house. That didn't last too long as we were soon freezing our fannies off. He has these Punk sun glasses that have shine gold frames and we both had to wear those through dinner and while he was taking his bath. They fit him so it was like having a plastic vise grip on my head but man were we cool.

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Greg Murat (mur-rah)
Singer-Songwriter Guitarist