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Clip from Gone to Yesterday Video Greg Murat

December 31, 2016

On Death and Dying

It was a year ago
This very morning
My father left with more
Joy than mourning
Spirit Light like foam
He'd heeded His heart's calling
We knew he would soar
Free from fear of falling
Forgiveness took him home
Where no one's keeping score

I treasure time well spent
Talking together before he went
I asked if he felt afraid
He said "I've never died before."
And he breathed his last and so
Time on earth finally done
It was time for him to go
To Heaven towards the setting Son
To the mansion He had made

December 29,
I see cracks in everything to my chagrin
Then listening to Leonard realize
That’s how the light gets in


We are a few days from  a year having passed since my dad passed away. I listen to Andie play a board game with Kayden and Kaylee. I type on my laptop as thoughts drift and I disdain to leave the bedroom. Now I am being called to play so I guess it is off I go. Funny when you have the blues you need to move but moving is just what you want least to do. It reminds of Sam and Frodo on the way to Mordor. My but that is a morbid comparison. Hah! Still whatever my present attitude and melancholy I have to get up and spend time with the family and look for the light that the cracks let it.


December 20, 2016

To love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you've held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs: when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think,, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say yes,  I will take you, I will love you again. Ellen Bass

Isn't it strange how people reach out sometimes in your silent moments of unbearable grief and hold out a branch of hope, a reason to carry on, a message that you matter. I saw a quite  that was credited to Robin Williams about feeling alone with people all around you and the depth of that loneliness. They say we have reached a pinnacle of self acceptance and inner peace when we can sit alone and not feel lonely. I think of the lyrics from my song Life:
"We're in this together and it can be a bumpy ride". We are all passing through time and picking up lessons along the way. I think one of the biggest is paying attention. Regarding grief; sit with it and pass through it as long as it takes and then move on as the quote above says. There is no getting around the journey.  The second half of the line from the song is "We've got to pass through the same door to reach the other side." I had never thought of it in reference to grieving but it aptly fits and as Robert Frost summed it up, "Life goes on."

December 10, 2016
Lazy Saturday hanging out with Andie and Kayden playing board games and watching silly videos. It is good to laugh and to watch them laughing. It is much warmer today and our snow penguin is melting.  It was 27 degrees a few days ago and that is too dang cold. I am hoping to get better and to feel like getting out of the house by next week. This cough is mean and wicked and just keeps shredding my voice.

I am searching for something to say and stay away from all of the troubles inside and outside. It has been a weary year and the new year seems to hold so much uncertainty. I think that searching for and feeling positive thoughts and  taking positive actions are more important than ever. Maybe I just feel more aware than ever. Feeling very tired from being sick so long. I need to play some music with and for my friends. Hoping for a wonderful Christmas season for everyone and a safe and prosperous new year.
Sending out the love.

December 3, 2016

I have been sick for a month now. All kinds of stuff with the exception of my legs falling off and all out dying. It is interesting to learn from my doctor at the VA that the people who have a very slow gate walking are the ones on the most medications. I have found that since I have let them experiment on me with drugs for PTSD that my health has gotten steadily worse.  I have been blessed to be naturally pretty fit and  now I have begun being conscientious of how I take care of myself. I have stopped using alcohol completely. I found it very medicinal in the past in dealing with pain. But like magic, it comes with a cost. I was informed that decision was a tremendously good choice for my longevity prospects. I don't know whether that is good or bad as I am tired of being on this planet in so many ways. I have been cleaning up the old pages here on the website as a therapy. I realize most people live on FB or any number of social media sites. I am weary of that practice. I love being able to be in contact with people around the world but of late the politics and harshness of people has been disconcerting. It is nice to have a respite. It is my goal to off off med's at the beginning of the year. I began acupuncture and my practitioner told me a 5 course breakfast, 2 proteins, 1 vegetable, 1 starch and 1 fruit would cure depression. Essentially she said I should have dinner for breakfast. We all should. That will take some changing but it totally makes sense. I am willing. Continuing on the same path as before will not make any change. I need a change and I need it now!.  

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A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person
Deviation from this formula may require attorneys and therapy.

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